| How to Talk to Someone Who’s Defensive |
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| | | | Use the first person — saying “you” ups the threat level — and focus on specific acts rather than making things eternal character traits. For instance: “That presentation wasn’t at your usual level” is taken better than “You’re not really good at public speaking, are you?” |
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| | | | Pepper in ways to make any criticism a show of confidence. This sounds like “I’m saying this because I know you can handle it, and because you’re really smart.” |
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| | | | Acknowledge the reality of the situation. If someone is being so defensive that nothing is getting through, simply take a breath and say “This might not be the right time to talk. When is better?” Even more directly, you can try, “It seems what I’m saying isn’t working. How would you approach this problem?” |
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| | | | Talk about talking. Find a time — after temperatures have lowered — and try to get to the bottom of the situation. Consider saying, “I notice when we talk about X topic, things go off. What can we do about it?” Here, you’re not talking about the issue, but talking about talking about the issue, and that one step removed makes it easier for the other person to engage. |
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