TIPS AND TRICKS

4 Ways to Avoid Becoming a “High-Conflict” Spouse

High-conflict behavior is anything that increases rather than manages or decreases conflict, such as screaming, lying, spreading rumors, refusing to talk for more than a day, and disappearing for a long time. All couples have conflicts; the question is how you manage them. According to Bill Eddy, a family therapist and co-founder of the High Conflict Institute, here are some principles to keep in mind.

Manage your own emotions: It’s okay to take a break. Ideally, say how long you need (an hour, a day, etc.). Give yourself encouraging statements (“I can get through this.” “I don’t have to prove anything here.”) Talk to someone who won’t just take sides.

Use your flexible thinking: Focus on the future and the choices you have for what to do next. Think of a creative proposal for what to do now. Write down a list of options. Sometimes just writing a list helps us calm down in the middle of a conflict.

Use moderate behaviors: Avoid doing the high-conflict behaviors described above. And if you do, explain how you are going to train yourself to never do them again (such as going to counseling or taking an anger management class). Mostly, just say you need a break, take a walk, write a list, etc.

Don’t blame your spouse: It’s easy to blame our own behavior on everyone else, but it quickly burns out relationships. Don’t become a high-conflict person with a pattern of blaming others. Instead, take responsibility for your thinking, emotions, and behavior. Remember, our emotions are “caused” by numerous factors (our natural-born temperament, life experiences, our day, etc.). Your spouse didn’t just “make” you have your upset feelings or behavior. Ask yourself: What is my part in this problem?How can I manage my emotions better right now?

Here's some more to know about avoiding the trap of the “high-conflict” spouse.