TIPS AND TRICKS

How to Break Through Someone’s Defenses
There’s no one thing to say to talk to a defensive person, but it’s like any successful communication. Ellen Hendriksen, a clinical psychologist and author says to stay in the first person – using “you” ups the threat level – and focus on specific acts rather than making things eternal character traits. Example: ‘That presentation wasn’t at your usual level’ is taken better than ‘You’re not really good at public speaking, are you?’ You can also pepper in ways to make any criticism a show of confidence, with something like, ‘I’m saying this because I know you can handle it and because you’re really smart.’

“Turn it into faith in them,” Hendriken says. 

But nothing is magic. Defensive people can turn the most benign comment into an attack, and there’s also something called sensitization. It’s like when hot coffee burns your tongue. Everything else, no matter how cool, will set it off, notes Hendriksen. Your words, regardless of how thoughtful, can do that.

In those times, acknowledge the reality. It could be, “This might not be the right time. When would be better?” Or be even more direct with, “It seems what I’m saying isn’t working. How would you approach this problem?” In either of these scenarios, you’re out of the struggle, and giving responsibility to the other person to provide some insight and help with the solution.

Here are a few more things to keep in mind when talking to someone who often gets defensive.