It can be a lot easier to have sex than to talk about having sex. While many of us might have a pretty good sense of what we’re going to do in bed from experience (and, if we’re being honest, from media visuals), most of us don’t have a ton of experience having sit-down conversations about those intimate details. The thing is, that lack of sexual communication know-how can pose a myriad of issues — especially for people in long-term relationships. So, you’re a little rusty in talking to your partner about what you want in bed, here’s a play-by-play of how to initiate these conversations.
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Your partner isn’t a mind reader, and neither are you. To know how to turn each other’s gears just right, you need to give each other the user manual.
Want Great Sex? Validate, Validate, Validate.
Validation is essential to any healthy relationship, including a sexual one. Humans, notes Jackie Golob, a mental health counsellor and sex and relationship therapist at the Centre for Sexual Wellness, are programmed to think negatively. Sex is often an area of communication in which specific phrases can have lasting impacts.
“For every one negative thought or comment we hear, we need 3-5 positive ones to rewire our brain, and rebuild its neuroplasticity,” she says. “Healthy couples understand and validate each other. They make sure to address everything, while focusing on positives and allowing their partner to share as well. And during these discussions, they’re open, honest, and engaged.” Learning what specific phrases, types of questions, or rewards (sexual, or otherwise) make your partner feel more confident will boost your ability to communicate as a couple in and out of the bedroom.
Talking the talk is a big part of healthy relationship. Here are some more ways healthy couples discuss sex.
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