Two Crucial Ways to Be Vulnerable with Your Kids
1. Say “I don’t know”
If you find yourself fixated on not disappointing family members who look up to you, you’re not alone. Sam Nabil, owner and therapist at Naya Clinics, says many fathers fall into the “superman” trap, where they find themselves pretending to be confident and capable in any and all situations, even if they are completely out of their depths.
Pay attention to situations where you’re tempted not to reveal weakness. Maybe your kids ask you to play a game or sport you’re not good at. Maybe you’re not sure how to fix your toddler’s tricycle. Either way, Nabil says it can be powerful to admit you’re not perfect.
“Simply answering a question by saying ‘I don’t know’ or responding to a request for help by saying ‘I actually don’t know how to do this’ is a great way to be vulnerable with your children, as well as modeling good behavior for them,” he says.
2. Say “I’m sorry”
No one likes to come off like they are in the wrong — no one more so than a father in front of his children. But failing to admit you’re wrong can have a negative impact on your family. “Not only is this behavior counterproductive in general, but it is also teaching the children all sorts of wrong lessons and moving the father very far away from being able to empathically and vulnerable communicate,” says Nabil.
Ironically, this attitude will only put more pressure on you to keep up the “perfect dad” act, which creates more distance from your kids. And when you’re not able to admit you’re in the wrong, you’ll be more likely to shift blame onto others, which teaches your kids to do the same.
A better approach? Admit responsibility to your children and make an effort to do better next time. Start by saying, “Hey buddy, I know I promised you to make it to your game, and I didn’t. I’m very sorry. I lost track of time at work. I’ll try my best to do better this time.”
Showing vulnerability as a father can be difficult. But it is crucial. Here are some more ways to practice.
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No, Divorced Parents Shouldn’t Have Different Rules for Kids
One of the more insidious effects of divorce on children is having different expectations depending on who is parenting on any given day. Without consistency, a kid is presented with loopholes and instability. Parents can start feeling slighted and conflict can increase.
The best way parents can handle divorce with kids is to enter a state of co-parenting. That means expectations are consistent between households and so are consequences for running afoul of those expectations. So, if a kid loses access to their tablet at their mother’s house, the access remains lost for the duration of the punishment, even if they are at their father’s house.
When discipline remains consistent, kids can feel like they’re on a better footing. It also means one parent doesn’t get to play the “fun parent” card and comes off looking like a saint in the eyes of their kid.
Here are a few more myths about divorce parents shouldn’t believe.
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