It sounds like a straightforward and practical arrangement: Dad works full time and Mom stays home to take care of the children. Many couples who make this decision for their families agree — in theory, at least — that each parent has a challenging and important job. But even among egalitarian parents, resentment and frustration often stem from an all-too-common scenario: Dad worked all day and wants to come home and just relax, while Mom has been waiting roughly nine hours for the opportunity to pass her child to someone else for a few minutes. It’s what everyone wanted but somehow, sometimes, no one is happy. Every couple is different. But the key to making a marriage work when one parent is a stay-at-home mom and one parent goes to work, is expectation management and empathy.
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The key to making a marriage work when one parent is a stay-at-home mom and one parent goes to work, is expectation management and empathy.
Are You Doing Enough to Help with “Emotional Labor”? Ask These Two Important Questions
1. Do I Have a Sense of the Contribution My Partner Makes?
Bearing the mental load means being the person in the relationship who’s constantly remembering to remember. And it often falls on women in relationships to be the one doing the remembering: keeping track of birthdays, the last name of friends, where the spatula might have gone. So, it’s crucial to ask yourself — especially if you’re the one working eight hours a day — if you truly recognize the immensity of how much other work your partner is doing.
“By asking yourself this question, it’s an opportunity for humility on so many different levels,” says relationship coach Marie Murphy. And it’s an opportunity, she adds, to “recognize your own ignorance.”
2. Do I Consistently Help Out?
The conversation about domestic responsibilities should happen frequently. But, often, one person says they’re overwhelmed and the other steps up to tackle whatever tasks they are assigned. Those assigned tasks eventually fall by the wayside, the conversation repeats itself, and the seeds of resentment grow. It’s important to ask yourself — really ask yourself — if you consistently help. Are you vegging out on the couch when your partner is doing work? Do you only handle tasks when you’re asked to handle them? Do you do work without asking for rewards or recognition?
“I haven't met too many male clients who can own this ‘I'm not helping’ thing. It’s hard to get there,” says Murphy. But when you do, she suggests phrasing your I’m-here-to-help reminder as, “What can I do that will ease the various burdens and stresses in your day? What can I do that will make your life easier? Or what can I do that will help you feel more supported?” Asking for that and sticking to your request is crucial.
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Want to wash the hell out of some gross patio furniture? Spray down your walkway? Consider this affordable, battery-powered power washer. It runs for two hours on a charge. Its head pivots and locks into six different positions to give you the best angle of attack on whatever you’re cleaning. The shaft telescopes up to 51 inches, which gives you access that might otherwise require a ladder, for things up high, and keeps you upright when cleaning something on the floor. All the neighbors will want to borrow it.
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3 Signs Your Kids Need More Discipline — And How to Begin
Problem #1: Your child has a sense of entitlement.
Solution: Use verbal cues to show your child that this isn’t about them, or you, or anyone for that matter. By using impersonal statements, you make discipline practical, and your own demands as a parent factual and rational. “For example, say, ‘books belong on the shelves’; ‘the coat needs to be hung in the closet, not on the floor’; ‘the dishes have to be put in the dishwasher’; and ‘it’s bath time now.’”
Problem #2: Your child can’t stand to hear the word, “no.”
Solution: Take the abrasiveness out of that single word by using other one-word responses. Instead of saving what you don’t want in one word, “say what you do want in one word,” says, says Nancy Samalin, parent educator and author of Loving Without Spoiling And 100 Other Timeless Tips for Raising Terrific Kids. “Use sentences like, ‘Rob, Jacket!’ or ‘Jill, teeth!’ This works a lot better than ‘How many times do I have to tell you…’ or ‘Why don’t you listen when I talk to you?’”
Problem #3: Your child lacks kindness, empathy, or compassion.
Solution: “Whenever a child does something helpful, caring, cooperative, or shows improvement, let them know you’ve noticed and give words of appreciation,” Samalin says. For example: “Thanks, Joey, I like the way you helped Amy put away her toys,” or, “Jesse, I was impressed with the way you solved your homework problem.” A little positive acknowledgement goes a long way.
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Saying something disparaging like ‘Oh that’s crazy’ or ‘That’s so ignorant’ is not a good way to approach this.
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