The stress of parenting can make even the most emotionally healthy person turn molehills into mountains. Here's how to keep things in perspective.
Put Your Guard Down, Guys
Defensiveness is a natural reaction to feeling alone or criticized. However, having it be a default tells your partner their feelings don’t matter. Here are a few ways to quit the behavior.
Hit the “Pause” Button
When your partner comes at you with a comment, take a deep breath and pause. Take a second to hear what’s they’re saying and understand it before your craft your response. “We’re wired to retaliate when attacked,” says Jean Fitzpatrick LP, a New York City-based therapist “By taking a breath, you give yourself time to shift your focus inward and to find a more constructive way to respond.”
Acknowledge What Was Said
Rather than trying to come up with a well-crafted rejoinder, let your partner know that they’ve been heard. The simple act of showing that you were listening can help the other person see that you place value on their feelings. “Repeat back to them, using their language, what you heard them say,” says Fisher. “A simple acknowledgment that you’ve heard your partner can be enough to diffuse the situation.
Change Your Focus
A lot of men tend to think that they’ve got to handle everything on their own. This means that when they’re questioned about anything or their partner even suggests brainstorming a solution to a problem, some can feel as though they’re being undermined. “Your success as a dad doesn’t depend on accomplishing every task single-handedly,” says Fitzpatrick. “When your partner offers input, what if she’s not seeking to undermine or criticize you? What if she’s trying to work together?”
Here are a few more ways to stop yourself from being so defensive.
For many dads, buried deep beneath the joys and day-to-day responsibilities of being a parent is the fear of losing their family’s respect. No one wants to feel disappointment and resentment emanating from a child or spouse, or to feel ignored or dismissed by one’s own family. Regardless of how it was lost, respect can be hard to get back. Commanding it isn’t the answer.
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The new portable speaker from Sonos is sleek, plays music just about any way you’d need to, and is rugged enough to survive an afternoon with kids by the pool. It’s also the beloved brand’s least expensive speaker.
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Let’s Have a Catch
Sure, tossing the ball back and forth is a fun and classic pastime. But you’d do well to add these throwing and catching games to your repertoire.
- 500
A classic spin on traditional catch that works best with three people or more. One designated thrower stands an agreed-upon distance away from the rest of the players, all of whom are catchers. The thrower tosses the ball high in the air and shouts out a number between 25 and 500. Whomever catches the ball without dropping it gets that amount of points; if they drop it, they lose that amount of points. The game lasts until someone achieves 500 or more points.
- Pickle/Running Bases
Want to exhaust the kids? Pickle’s your game. Also known as Running Bases, the game requires two “bases” — i.e. old towels, blankets, or cones — set up 15-20 feet apart, and four or more players. Two players are “It” and stand at each base. The other players divide themselves and stand at each base. Those who are “it” throw the ball back and forth. The other players must successfully run from one base to the other without getting tagged. If tagged, they are now “It”.
- Clap Catch
A fun, simple game that helps increase reaction skills and keep kids engaged. The premise is simple. Two or more people are playing catch. Before catching the ball, players must clap their hands together as many times as possible before making a catch. If they do, they get a point for every successful clap; if they fail to clap in time or drop the ball, they lose a point. First to 20 wins.
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I feel like fatherhood has made my job a lot easier in a lot of ways. All those emotions that I used to have to reach for are just readily accessible.
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Have a question? Comment? Want to tell us a no-good terrible story? Or a helpful parenting tip? We want to hear from you (and yes, we may publish your response in an article or forthcoming newsletter).
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