When we want kids to understand that our stressed-out reaction to their shenanigans aren’t made from anger, “It’s not you, it’s me,” can be a lifeline
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“It’s not you, it’s me.”
What a dreaded phrase. In most contexts, it’s a condescending platitude used to end relationships “gently.” Though, in truth, most everyone who’s heard it has felt devastated and helpless. But there’s another context where the phrase can actually build relationships rather than end them: Parenting.
When we want kids to understand that our stressed-out reaction to their shenanigans aren’t made from anger, “It’s not you, it’s me,” can be a lifeline. As long as we own it and work to make amends.
Helping kids develop an emotional vocabulary — to name and understand feelings — is something parents need to emphasize. A big part of that is being honest about your own feelings. Kids take a lot in. They can see a mad face and hear the loud work call or the argument you had with your partner. It can make them worry and wonder if they’re the cause. It’s your job to reassure them that everything is okay.
If stress makes you snap, your first move is to apologize, followed with something along the lines of, “That was not a productive response.” Once you’ve owned your behavior, it’s time to put a name on your feelings. Use small words; ones your kids might understand. You can say, “I was a little worried, upset, or grouchy” — they may not understand ‘stress’ – but labeling helps them connect emotion and response.
It’s also important to link your world to theirs. “You know how you can’t see your friends? I can’t either. You don’t get to go to gymnastics? I don’t get to go to the gym. It gets me frustrated.” In other words? “It’s not you. It’s me.”
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