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The holiday season is upon us, and if you’re anything like me, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., you’ve been searching high and low for the perfect gift that says, “I’m sorry that the 32-year-old journalist with whom I had a digital affair just published a whole book about it, but a messy public divorce would be professionally inconvenient for me right now.” As with the question of whether vaccines cause autism, I have done my own research, and am now ready to share my unassailable conclusions.
Japanese Selvedge Denim Jeans
Japanese denim is the best in the world—at least until President Trump’s tariffs convince Americans to start manufacturing Japanese denim right here at home. These jeans are heavy and durable, the perfect symbol of a marriage that’s able to withstand anything, even as it weighs you down. Made of raw denim, they start out quite stiff, and should not be washed for months at a time. They are my favorite jeans to wear to the gym.
Love Poems by Pablo Neruda
This classic book of sensual, passionate verses is exactly what one’s soulmate needs to take her mind off the fact that one allegedly wrote a poem to another woman that included the line, “Yr open mouth awaiting my harvest,” and also lines like, “I mean to squeeze your cheeks to force open your mouth. I’ll hold your nose as you look up at me to encourage you to swallow. ‘Don’t spill a drop.’ I am a river You are my canyon. I mean to flow through you. I mean to subdue and tame you. My Love.” Allegedly.
Hermès Birkin Bag
You know how all of your wife’s handbags smell like sauerkraut, because you’re always making her carry around your sauerkraut when you go out to eat, in case the restaurant doesn’t have sauerkraut? It’s time you treated her to a handbag that smells like handbag. It’s the least you can do, especially after she got that Google Alert she set up for your name and made the mistake of looking up what “felching” means. She’ll love her luxurious new status symbol, and you’ll love how this one’s big enough to hold a 32 oz tub of sauerkraut.
Unscripted by Cheryl Hines
Look, can you just do me a solid on this one? Please buy your wife a copy of my wife’s book. Things will be a lot less tense around here if my wife’s book sells better than the book she’s super mad about. As secretary of Health and Human Services, I’m keenly aware that stress is a serious threat to my health—almost as dangerous as wearing sunscreen, or eating a Froot Loop. If you think about it, by not buying this book, you would effectively be assassinating a federal official in slow motion. Plus, I’m sure your wife will enjoy reading Cheryl’s makeup tips or whatever’s in there; I was busy sexting when she was telling me about it.
Thick Rag
My wife isn’t pregnant (too old) but if yours is, and if you’ve hidden the household Tylenol bottle high out of her reach in accordance with CDC recommendations, she’ll likely be in the market for a safe, effective painkiller. A thick rag is multifunctional and has no known side effects: she can ball it up in her fists, use it to wipe her clammy forehead sweat, and even bite down on it, if it’s made of undyed organic cotton and has never been touched by anyone who’s received the COVID-19 vaccine. There’s nothing Tylenol can do that a thick rag can’t, other than stop pain from happening. To make the rag prescription strength, have it embroidered with her favorite Bible verse.
Handcarved Mahogany Crutches
Between you and me, polio’s coming back. Show your beloved that you’re there for her no matter what, with a one-of-a-kind gift that says, “polio’s coming back.”
Cow
Chances are, your wife has loved adding raw milk to her coffee ever since you forbade her from buying pasteurized milk on penalty of divorce. This Christmas, take that extra drive to the farmstand off her long list of responsibilities, and replace it with the daily care and milking of her own personal cow. Sure, she’s never asked for a cow, but she never asked you to bring home roadkill for dinner either. Women don’t always know what they want! Who knows, maybe a fashion magazine will take a picture of your wife milking her cow, and the picture will go viral, and then next thing you know, you’re the president. President Kennedy. It has a nice ring to it.
I can say with scientific certainty that you can’t go wrong with any item on this list. I look forward to watching my own furious wife unwrap them all, while we indulge in a few dog treats shaped like Christmas cookies to trick our brains into thinking we’re eating sugar, while actually crushing our protein goals. From my family to yours, happy holidays.

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