TOP BUM

Pete Hegseth is boosting far-right journalists and forcing employees to watch his bizarre speech to generals on company time. Does he think he’s invincible?

• A big salute and a bugle-toot to War Secretary Pete Hegseth, who has proven himself a futuristic supersoldier... against an onslaught of embarrassing headlines. Manly-man Hegseth has survived an astonishing list of boneheaded blunders and scandals, any one of which would have surely cost a normal defense secretary their job. If Democrats, the media, and his own outraged aides couldn’t stop this former weekend TV personality with a gnarly drinking problem, who can?

• It’s disturbingly obvious that Hegseth believes the answer is no one — especially not the very journalists who uncovered his dark past. His defiance was on full display this week, when the Defense War Department announced its “next generation” press corps, after booting reporters who refused to sign a dystopian policy that would’ve prevented them from doing their jobs.

• Who is replacing them? Well… it ain’t Woodward and Bernstein! The new press corps represents “a broad spectrum of new media outlets and independent journalists,” Pentagon spokesperson Sean Parnell tweeted. Let me run that through my Bullshit Translator: Nearly everyone is from a hyperconservative, pro-Trump media outlet. That includes One America News, Turning Point USA, and even an influencer who Russia allegedly funded to boost Kremlin propaganda ahead of the 2024 election.

• One can assume that Hegseth, who rarely speaks with the press anyway, won’t be facing any tough questions. He’ll still face a tough reality, though: Experienced reporters will continue finding ways to break news about the department, even without access to the Pentagon.

• He has only succeeded in creating yet another scandal for himself, with critics comparing the tactics to authoritarian regimes: “THIS JUST IN: Kim Jong Un Sends Congratulations to SecDef Hegseth on New Pentagon Press Corps,” joked Mother Jones DC Bureau Chief David Corn on X.

Hegseth just spent the weekend cosplaying as Tom Cruise’s character in “Top Gun.” Do Pentagon employees find this impressive?

• Nope. Some are fuming over a recent email from top officials, demanding that they watch Hegseth’s unhinged speech at Quantico, in which he ranted about “fat generals” and told those who don’t agree with him to resign. Employees must report to their supervisors when they’re done watching the video or reading the transcript, according to a copy of the email obtained by What A Day.

• Basically, Hegseth is assigning homework for employees to complete on company time — while the government shutdown barrels into a fourth week.

• “We’re still working because we have carryover funds. And this is what we’re doing???” a DOD contractor told What A Day. The assignment is “on taxpayer time … gross, gross, gross.”

• Morale is deteriorating among all ranks, from contractors to senior officials. “It was a massive waste of time. … If he ever had us, he lost us,” an Army general told the conservative Washington Times, speaking of the Quantico speech. Another officer said: “It seems like it’s all about one guy here.”

What will it take to stop Hegseth in his tracks? Does his mom have to write another strongly-worded email chastising his behavior? It’s worth a shot, Mrs. Hegseth!

EAST WINGNUTS

Rest in Peace, East Wing of the White House.

The extension originally constructed in 1902, and traditional home of the first lady’s offices, was fully demolished today to make space for Donald Trump’s 90,000-square-foot imperial ballroom. Yes, Trump promised he’d pay “total respect to the existing building” last summer. Instead, naturally, he demolished it completely. (It’s not like Melania was using her offices anyways, I guess.)

The Trump team knows that images of literal White House destruction aren’t a great look, and that most people don’t approve of this. So now they’re attempting to justify themselves — with an update to the White House website seemingly designed to be as offensive as possible.

The “Major Events Timeline” section links Hunter Biden to the 2023 discovery of cocaine in the White House with no evidence, includes a picture of Joe Biden next to a shirtless woman while mocking Trans Day of Visibility, details former President Bill Clinton’s scandal with Monica Lewinsky, and highlights a photo of Barack Obama wearing a turban during a visit to Kenya in 2006. Sigh.

The White House also released a list of companies and rich people funding Trump’s completely unnecessary ballroom. Amazon, Apple, Google, Meta, Lockheed Martin and other companies are helping foot the bill, which is now estimated to be $300 million.

WHAT ELSE?

Donald Trump pardoned Changpeng Zhao, the founder of bitcoin exchange Binance. You’ll be shocked to learn that the Trump family’s crypto firm is hosted on Binance. The exchange “willfully failed to report transactions on its platform by Al Qaeda, ISIS, Hamas and Palestinian Islamic Jihad,” Crooked’s Tommy Vietor tweeted. “But then Trump’s crypto company made a multi-billion dollar deal in partnership with Binance, so Trump gave the founder a pardon. Shockingly brazen corruption.”

At least two dozen states are warning that SNAP benefits, which help about 41 million Americans with food assistance, could run out if the government shutdown stretches into a fourth week. Senate Republicans are discussing ways to prevent Americans from losing SNAP benefits after November 1.

The U.S. is now $38 trillion in debt, a new eye-popping record. What’s more, it was the fastest accumulation of $1 trillion ever, except for a period during the COVID pandemic. Fortunately, “money” is just this thing that humans made up that isn’t even real… right, guys? Right???....

Portland Trail Blazers head coach Chauncey Billups, Miami Heat guard Terry Rozier, and dozens of others were arrested as part of a federal probe into an illegal gambling and sport betting operation with ties to multiple Mafia families. The details in this story are absolutely bonkers.

Virginia Democrats are planning to redraw their state’s congressional districts to gain extra House seats, in the effort to counter Republicans’ nationwide redistricting.

Former Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) is coming under fire after seemingly agreeing with a radio host, who warned that mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani would be “cheering” if he were mayor during a terrorist attack. “That’s another problem,” Cuomo responded. “But can you imagine that? If Mamdani was in the seat on 9/11, what would have happened in this city?”

Embattled Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner… may not be so embattled after all? He holds a commanding lead (58 percent) over Gov. Janet Mills (24 percent) in the Democratic primary, according to a new poll. The poll was conducted before news broke about his Nazi-linked tattoo… so we’ll see if that changes things.

Light at the End of the Email…

Crooked’s newest podcast, Runaway Country with Alex Wagner, premiered today! Check out Alex’s appearance on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” last night. “We’re going to talk to people at the center of the headlines, whether it’s an ICE agent or an immigration judge, whether it’s a red state farmer that’s getting screwed by tariffs, or whether it’s an anti-vaxxer in Texas or an undocumented migrant who is caught in an immigration dragnet,” she said. I’m hooked!

A Washington, D.C. resident who was arrested last month after playing Darth Vader’s theme while National Guard troops walked the city streets filed a lawsuit, alleging that his constitutional rights were violated. “The law might have tolerated government conduct of this sort a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away,” reads the lawsuit, drawing language from the “Star Wars” universe. “But in the here and now, the First Amendment bars government officials from shutting down peaceful protests, and the Fourth Amendment (along with the District’s prohibition on false arrest) bars groundless seizures.”

Community members in Chicago joining together to push back against federal agents causing chaos in the city. Some watch for ICE agents at school pick-up and drop-offs, bring groceries to people too afraid to leave their homes, and buy out street vendors’ food so they can head home early. This is what loving thy neighbor looks like! Always look out for those around you.

COVID vaccines help patients’ immune systems battle cancer and “nearly doubles the median survival length of patients,” according to a retrospective study conducted by university researchers. This comes two months after HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. canceled $500 million in mRNA vaccine development, falsely claiming that it wasn’t effective in fighting Covid and the flu.

A union representing Broadway’s musicians reached a tentative deal with commercial producers to avoid a strike that could’ve silenced musicals. Thank goodness, “Hamilton” just wouldn’t feel right with Lin Manuel Miranda rapping acapella.