No Kings: The MAGA Monarchy Fantasy

We don’t do kings in this country.

That was the whole damn point of the American Revolution, of our founding, of our Constitution, and of the sacrifices of millions of men and women over the generations sworn to protect a nation liberated from monarchy and tyranny. George Washington and his men didn’t fight a war, freeze at Valley Forge, and turn down the crown they offered him just so Donald Trump could waddle into the White House throne room like an orange George III with a golf cart instead of a royal carriage and a cheeseburger valet standing at his elbow.

“No kings.”

It’s not a slogan.

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It’s a founding commandment. The men who inked the Declaration of Independence weren’t asking nicely for better cable news coverage or fewer mean tweets: they were putting their necks on the chopping block to smash a monarchy and build a republic where no man was above the law. They didn’t risk everything so some soft-handed tech princelings from Silicon Valley could resurrect feudalism with Trump as the bloated monarch and they as the new Dukes and Barons.

“Viscount Palo Alto” may have a nice ring to it, but not in America, motherfucker.

But here we are.

The MAGA GOP, once the party of small government, the rule of law, and fealty to the Constitution, has devolved into a Renaissance Faire cosplay for crypto-fascists. Peter Thiel, one of the many PayPal mafia members, is investing billions in the spyware infrastructure of a post-democracy America, where a single “CEO-king” rules with the divine right of venture capital.

And his court jester, Curtis Yarvin, the Dollar Store Machiavelli, spins mad little yarns about how liberal democracy has failed, that it’s time to reboot the system with Trump as our “American Caesar.” Not a metaphor. Not a joke.

A literal king...